Feelings for Herself

With a job that requires her to bring people to Hell regardless of whether they truly deserve it or not, it's no surprise that Ai doesn't like herself. She isn't a callous being; she feels emotions like other people do and therefore her job has to be truly horrible. Even if she would like to weigh whether someone deserves to go to Hell before making her decision, she can't. That doesn't mean she doesn't think about it. When Yuzuki accuses her of not considering the situation before bringing people to Hell, Ai simply turns to her and asks if she honestly thought she didn't consider anything. Of course Ai thinks about the situation. She observes, formulates ideas and feelings... but none of that matters. Jigoku Shoujo doesn't need a heart. It is her responsibility and there is nothing she can really change even if she thinks it is ridiculous. Because Ai has to often act against what she believes or feels, that would naturally cause dissonance. Hating herself would be a way to "justify" the difference between actions and feelings, and therefore would relieve some of the discord.

When Ai is at her "home," she makes various displays of being unhappy. If she hasn't just thrown herself on the floor like she's worth nothing, she is doing something mindless such as knocking the straw dolls over or playing with a beach ball. Ai never does anything to enjoy herself. Then again, she probably believes she doesn't deserve to be happy as a result of causing so much pain and suffering. Doing mindless tasks would both fill the void in her heart as well as keep her mind off of how unhappy she truly is. She often acts like she is going to meet her doom when a new request comes in. She will obviously hear or sense the request, but make no attempt to get up. In fact, she usually tries to focus more on whatever the task she has to amuse herself for the time being even more. To me, that shows that in order to cover her feelings of dread, she tries to lose herself. It would logically be a way to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for the job that she hates so much. During these times, her "grandmother" usually has to say something to her after noticing that Ai has not made any movement to investigate the request before she forces herself to get up and answer it.

Ai also openly doubts herself and her job. For example, after Sawai sends her teacher to Hell upon his own request, Ai shows him what pain he caused her by asking her to do so. When she returns home, she is obviously bothered about whether that was the right thing to do since they both didn't really understand what they were doing. Her grandmother tells her that as long as it's what they wanted, she doesn't need to worry. She's not in the position to think about what happens after the revenge. Another time, she is asked how everything went when she returns, to which she responds it was the same as always because "everyone had sad eyes." Even though she is not supposed to be concerned about the people she gets involved with, I don't think Ai can help it. She is not an evil person, and honestly, she's still a little girl. If she had her way, she wouldn't want to hurt anyone. Also, because her actions don't match up with her feelings, there is every reason for doubt to be in the back of her mind. She isn't doing what her gut is telling her to do. She has nothing to actually rely on for guidance and probably feels like she's stumbling in the dark. Her insecurity, sadness and discontent contribute to hating herself even more.

Another reason why Ai probably doesn't care for herself might be a result of feelings of guilt. If she had just accepted her fate and died when she was buried alive, her parents wouldn't have had to be suffering for all those years. She would't have had to become Jigoku Shoujo and spread even more despair to anyone who is unfortunate enough to make another person angry. Staking more blame on herself would give her even more of a reason to hate.

Ai's feelings about herself are not just pure speculation on my part, though. After being beaten up and humiliated by Gil (the self-proclaimed Jigoku Shounen), her companions encourage her to try and get back at him for what he did to her. She simply responds that the string hasn't been pulled, so there was no need to take revenge. Hone Onna reminds her that her own feelings are important too, but Ai says she "doesn't matter." Later on, she attempts to send Hajime and Tsugumi to Hell even when reminded she will go to Hell if she does so based on her own feelings. Again, she says that she doesn't mind. Ai honestly doesn't care about what happens to her. She is miserable, hates her job, hates herself, and I'm sure she probably even wanted to stop existing long ago. Her companions could have saved her from being beaten to death after she saves Takuma, but she doesn't want them to. With that moment, everything could be over. Ai really wants to just stop existing. Who can blame her? Going everyday hating herself for hundreds of years while bearing all the hatred and pain from her past as well as humanity would be almost unbearable.

b a c k   .   c l e a r   .   f o r w a r d    Heaven's a Lie and its contents are © Samantha, however Ai and Jigoku Shoujo are © Aniplex, Studio Deen and other rightful owners. Heaven's a Lie is a part of AFTER-DEATH.ORG.